hermph.

why is it that guys always go for my sister's or friends but never notice me haha.

do i lack something??

if i do would anyone bother to tell me??

it's pretty stupid and i don't like much.

i want to be the one that gets noticed if only just once..

now i don't want any 16 or 17 year olds or creepsters..but hah i get alot of those.

i get that i look young but dude i should be given a chance.

hah anyways that's my random blog of the day.

it's not even like me to talk about this stuff haha.

why am i even blogging..

i have wanted so bad to just break.

to fall apart just for a second.

i'm not weak or at least i really hope i'm not but these past two weeks that is all i have felt.

i hate it.

i wish that some friends lived closer.

that life was simple.

i didn't feel like such a pathetic person.

blah!

it's just been hard.

plan and simple as that.

stupid ramblings.

i don't know when things will look up.
when i will be fine. great. amazing.
right now i feel alone.
i shouldn't but for some reason i do.

this month seems like it has literally gone on forever.
too much has happened in to short a time.
something in me decided to just shutdown today..
i feel like i lost the ability to break and let loose everything.
there is no reason why at all.
i know i have people who would listen at least one for sure.


i'm exhausted. not in the need sleep way but in every other way one could be drained.
blah.

i feel horrible not being happy go lucky.
but right now i just don't feel that way.
to physically disappear right now would be dandy. thanks.

dinosaur park!

soo mare decided we had to do something random...

and then i remembered there was a dino parkkk in granger... soo

that is exactly where we went....

i would have uploaded a couple more but it stopped loading for some reason.

thoughts in my head.

i need to be looking at the positive side of things, the brighter side..

things have been getting tough.. but things have to get tough to get better. there is always a valley you have to make your way through.

i have been in the valley for around two years now it's getting to be about time that i find my way out. people have been pushing me along the way trying to help me figure things out and get things together. for most of that time though i have sincerely sucked at taking any ones advice. i have been trying to get along though..i got to driving, found a new job, moved out of my moms, tried to find out who i was a little harder.

that seems like a lot but in the mix of it all i forgot i'm trying to figure out who i am. this past year i have changed so much. i have been molded much more like the people around me than i want to be. i need to break away and figure out who i am again if i ever really knew. i am so thankful for the friends in my life. this past month has been amazing but so hard at the same time. i have decided to make a big change that i am scared to death of, i realized that i am no an outcast as much as i thought, i can semi stand up for myself and get a reaction, and the best decisions tend to be some of the hardest.

a bit of nothing yet something

The past couple days have been difficult. i have been trying to just make it through. it seems petty and pathetic but it has just been hard. i know what i am doing is the best thing but that doesn't make it any easier. going to south dakota breaking away and realizing somethings has made it easy for me to actually go through with it and i am so thankful for that. it seems like because i'm on the right path things have gotten hard. i haven't felt like breaking more than right now.

this song has been the one thing i have been listening to all yesterday and today. it's weird but hearing it over and over only gets better. what it says is exactly what i would say if i could think of the words.

"As I sit here and think

About all that You've done

About how You gave me Your one and only Son

And I'm trying to fathom

All that You are, but so far, Lord

You're so beyond me

I fall down in reverence

And I fall down in fear

And I'm asking You, Lord, won't You please draw near

Won't You open my eyes

So that I can see

The way that You are working in me

All I need is Your love

To come and fill this heart of mine

My heart is a desert that has gone dry

And I need Your love to carry me by, by, by, by, by

To carry me by, by, by, by, by

To carry me by"

this is a ramble but what that i say isn't??

a blog with no title.

to much to spill out at once but yet i'm going to attempt.

i'm back in yakima...

i go back tomorrow and it almost panics me to think about it.

south dakota was more than i expected it to be.

i miss shantell, bill, and now enumclaw.

i need to stay happy.

ever feel like you are on the verge of crashing, breaking down??

i have been like that all day. but i'm okay i will be fine.

to go from something so great to blah in a week is a little hard to take in.

what did i get from south dakota??

i realized show a kid love and they will always remember you.

my passion to help kids is stronger than i ever knew.

shantell reminds me way too much of myself when i was eight.

bill has the ability to make me laugh at almost anything.

i can easily fit into a group.

i made more friends in a week than i have in two years.

when i cry people tend to freak but in a sweet way.

things go on that i have no way of explaining and that scares me.

somethings are really hard to find a way to doubt.

it makes me feel good when people feel they can talk to me.

becki thanks for being there.

even while i was in south dakota and i called you.

if i didn't have you to ramble to i would freak out.

i love you msbff!

changes in a year.

last year i got really close to mya... so of course going back this summer i was really hoping to get to see her and know how she is doing. three days passed though with mya being a no show. but bill saved the day. the last day we were there i was determined to see her before we left so i asked bill if he could drive us to her house... her cousin tory mentioned she was sick and has just gotten back from her dad's but anyways.. i got to see mya! we spend around atleast like an hour or so glued together. i love that she totally still remembered who i was.. there was doubt that she would remember me at all but it was amazing.

she was so little last year and not to mention she was a little lighter haaha.

she is getting so big! hah but its so crazy to know it's been a year since i met this crazy amazing little girl.

then there is shayna. she is a quite one but she is stuck at your side as soon as you talk to her. but anyways this year when i saw her and said hey shayna how are you she was so excited. hah she didn't remember me but man was she excited when i remembered her.

this picture was right before a ran storm where little miss shayna totally fell asleep on my lap in the church. it was so cute.

can't leave out iane. i am pretty sure i have only heard her say maybe three words. she doesn't like to talk. the first day she was avoiding people but i sat down and colored with her so then the second day she came right to me and sat on my lap it made me feel pretty special ((:

she has grown probably the most out of the three of them it was crazy when i did a double take and realized it was her!