maybe just overly tired.

man o man
i don't like thinking about life.
it's to complicated.


ahhh! idk even know but who does.
i know i'm missing something.
i know i need to change.
i know that i am not going anywhere in life.

i get that. i really do.
can i just scream??
there are so many thoughts, and feelings boiling up inside me with no where to go.
i feel like at any minute i could just break and i don't even know why.
it's so stupid i can fix my life do something with it.
why am i holding back??
i don't want to.
or maybe i do and just don't realize it.
ugh.

wow this is one crapppppy little blog.

anyways.

i simply want a friend to be here.
right infront of me.
not over the internet.
not over the phone or texting.
i need to have a friend right in front of me.
i want to just talk.
not even about something major.
i just feel like i'm holding in a ton of nothing.
the kind of nothing you ramble on and on about to friends.
that has not importance.
maybe you have no idea.
haha want "you" am i talkin about no one reads this.
anyways.
night
(:

ramble ramble ramble

this is lame.

it hasn't been a week yet i want to give in.

my mom hasn't even tried to talk to me.

it kinda hurts to know she doesn't even bother.

does she seriously mean all she has been saying??

if she does i don't even know.

it stings to know she already is telling even people at work i'm a bad daughter and they like to go to the theatre and let me know.

lee even called to tell me.

i want to give to say sorry for whatever i did.

to say please please forgive.

to go back to the way it always is.

i'm not strong enough to put up with her games for long.

i understand no one cares about this that's totally fine to these are just my ramblings.

i don't know what has changed in my life.

i feel like i am missing more than just my mom.

much more.

this is stupid.

:

life is good right now for the outer stuff but the deeper stuff..

maybe it's not so great..

i have lost any kind of a relationship with my mom.

my high school friends have moved on.

which i totally don't blame i mean come on they went to college.

and church/faith/ anything of that sort..

is the last thing i seem to want to think about.

i tried and worked to grow in my faith.

i was loving it. but then it just ended.

i'm getting back to the same place i was junior year.

it's so weird. yeah idk.

like i said just ramblings.

time goes and you don't even notice.

anyways it's late so i am loggin off.

what a prick.

okay this is just super ridiculous.

i have been talking to this one guy (colby davis the twin..)

anyways he texted me like the day before yesterday saying..

"hey we need to go to a movie or something"

i said "yeah that sounds good"

we just needed to figure out a time. he worked the last two days and i worked tonight.

anyways so we've just been talking and what not.

he was being super sweet too.

but then tonight the friggin' genius to the theatre..

with some other CHICK!

what a fat loseeeeeeer!

that totally pissed me off.

you don't ask a girl out one night.. then turn around and take another girl to the theatre you work at when your working...

and it gets even better..

he decides to stand in my line i was already helping someone and the other girl wasn't but he decides to wait for me to help him and the girl he was with!

what a retard.

glad i found out he was a friggin' player before actually went to a show or anything.

gayyy face.

i wish i was the confronting type.

happy.

today has been so good.
no reason why i am just happy.
is actually warm out!
i'm super excited about that!!!

i have the day off. no plans but that's alright!

it's just a great day!

things for some reason just couldn't be better.

is spring actually finally maybe coming??

guess we'll see!!

i love having days where your happy for just no reason at all you just are.

(:

breakkk time!

i have decided it's break time from the mom.
can't deal with all her little problems anymore.

i should have decided this along time ago but i just don't think i was actually ready.
anyways i am determined to just stay away from all her little drama and problems.
it's too much and it only brings me way down.

i have only not talked to her by choice for two days and i feel so happy.
it's weird i have gone longer without talking to her but not really by choice so it only upset me.

this may not last long but i hope it does.
chances are i will give in even though i know i shouldn't but so far so good.

things are going goooood! i am so happy for that. i love my mom but i don't love her actions.
it's going to be super tough once she starts trying to contact me.
i'm nervous that i am going to run into her somewhere i don't know what i would do.
all the talking about me to other people is just to much.
i need a break. it's that simple. this might seem extremely conceded but it's what i have decided to do so no talking if i can help it.


maybe i should run far far away ha ha then there would be no conflict!

next step who knows..

Oh my goodness. I have no idea what next step in life I should take. I woah idk. I guess there really isn't too many options but that doesn't make it any easier..

I know I would love to go to college. Cost is one issue but if I really tried I know without a doubt I could have enough money to take a couple classes... the next issue is where YVCC?? hmm.

Should I not go to college and just keep working at the crappy cinema?? This is the last thing I would like to do.. but either way college or no college I will need a job but I don't like the cinema at all.

What about quiting the cinema and finding a job I actually someone can stand?? I want to work with kids so badly but day cares sound like they might be a little hard to actually get a job with.. but anything without popcorn sounds good at the moment wait no fabric either thanks.

My mind also goes to missions the thing is that is never going to put me further in life and I am not near as open about that stuff anymore so not too sure. Maybe the New York internship?? I have a friend that just got done with hers and she loved it but now she is home without a job or school and I know that is exactly where I would be so herm thinking about this I doubt this option is for me.

Anyways ramble ramble ramble. Thanks for listening...